Finding Joy
by Tohru12
Summary: A short piece about how Gilbert might have taken Joy's death. It kind of goes away from the book in the regard that Susan is not in it...


**Disclaimer/Author's note:** I've never posted anything under the Anne of Green Gables genre, and the other two stories that I have posted were written a long time ago. This story is going to venture away from the novel a bit, but it has to, right? I know Anne and Gilbert are probably out of character, so I'm sorry in advance. Oh well, it was just an idea, and I've finally become brave enough to post something, so here it is. Oh, I haven't read the book in over a year or so, and when I looked back, I realized that Susan would have been there. But for this story, Susan does not exist… Oh, I don't own Anne of Green Gables or anything related to it, and I'm not trying to by writing this story.

**Finding Joy**

Her eyes were dead. They no longer held the sparkle of life that had once shined brightly. They were like the child that had been buried in the graveyard earlier that day. Joyce Blythe… Why? Why did it have to be their child that died… He should have saved her! He was a doctor; he had studied years to earn that title, years that could have been spent with Anne when her eyes still danced. But there was no going back. It seemed fate had chosen its course and now he knew he must face the times ahead. Oh how he longed for the comfort of Anne's embrace… but she had turned away from him, grown cold since the death of their first child. It almost felt as if she blamed him, and that alone broke his already shattered heart. Did not one person in the entire world understand that he too was grieving? That he was finding it hard to go on, to keep on living as if nothing had happened? He almost wished that he had declined his uncle's offer to take over for a little while. Then, at least then, he could smother himself in work; bringing him to the point of exhaustion where he wouldn't have to feel the pain that was stabbing him every moment.

Gilbert woke to the sound of birds chirping outside and the sun's rays shining through the curtains of his bedroom. All of it didn't fit his dismal mood, or Anne's for that matter. Knowing that she would pretend to be asleep, or even openly ignore him, Gilbert continued to try and act strong for Anne by continuing a normal routine.

"Good morning Anne."

Surprisingly there was a reply, although not one that would have been spoken several months earlier.

"There is no good in this morning, or any mornings of my future. There is no "Joy" to fill them. And how can I smile without "Joy", how can I laugh, how can I live in a world without "Joy".

If Gilbert's heart hadn't already been shattered, trampled on, and thrown in the garbage, it would be tearing apart at this outburst of emotions. He moved to embrace Anne, to try and give her the comfort and reassurance he felt she needed… but she went stiff in his arms, and offered no love in return. He didn't understand! Didn't she know that she wasn't alone in this, that he too would do anything to take Joy's place just to have the child live to see another day?

He didn't know what to do anymore. He had chased her for years, and finally when he had her, when he had finally won the only heart he had ever wanted, she rejects him. She had told him that she only wanted him…

Gilbert got out of bed, and began getting dressed. Maybe he would go for a walk to clear his mind so that he could eventually think clearer. Buttoning his shirt, Gilbert gazed on with tired eyes to the lump on the bed that was Anne.

"I'm going out for a little bit. I'll be back soon."

There was no reply, but it was still obvious that she had heard him. Gilbert grabbed his vest and walked out of the room, gently closing the door behind him. He walked down the stairs of their "House of Dreams" and entered the kitchen. Marilla had left earlier that week, unwillingly, for she wanted to be there for Anne, but forced to due to other circumstances at home. She was needed back at Green Gables, for Dora had come down with something quite serious. Several months ago, Anne might have been standing by the stove, cooking him breakfast, fixing him coffee. Now the kitchen was void of any warmth, of anything really at all. Do to the recent events, both of them had neglected the house, and while Marilla had done her best to keep the place decent, it was not up to its usual par. The cabinets were practically empty, the parlor tables had collected dust, and the papers in his office had been moved at all from where he had left them two weeks ago. Well maybe he would go to town and pick up some food… but then again, if he did that he would have to talk to people an be courteous, and God knows he didn't care about being a polite gentleman right now.

Deciding to go to town for lack of a better idea, Gilbert grabbed his hat and walked out the kitchen door. The birds sang, the sun shined, the wind blew, and the flowers shown brightly. Why? Gilbert couldn't understand. Why wasn't it raining, why wasn't the wind blowing so hard it could knock him off his feet, why wasn't he being struck by lightning! It was all his fault! There should have been something he could have done to save her, to save Anne all of this pain, to save her the despair, the anguish, the hurt, the tears. But no, and now he was left alone to wallow in his own despair. Didn't anyone understand how hurt he was right now? How much he just wanted to lie in bed and cry and never get up again? No, he had to be a man, a husband, the person who put aside their feelings so that others could be happy.

"_I know I'm being selfish, but you have to understand, I'm only a simple man, I can't bear this hate from the one thing I love more than anything else in the world, not now, not when I'm already dying inside from the death of my daughter, my precious baby girl." _

Thoughts like these continued to plague Gilbert Blythe's mind as he got in the buggy and traveled down the road, heading towards town. The ride was too short for him, and he arrived unprepared for the townspeople that were to greet him. He was quickly brought out of his thoughts by the sudden "Hello" and "Good Morning, Dr. Blythe!" Coming to his senses quicker than he thought he'd be able to, Gilbert slowed the carriage, and smiled at the pedestrians, nodding, and saying "Good Morning" in return. By the fifth person, Gilbert was starting to have a slight strain in his tone. He just wanted to buy some food, and leave. He did not come in to town to be social and catch up on the local gossip, or listen to people's problems. Finally making it to the store, Gilbert walked in quickly, trying to avoid any conversations with the other customers. Gilbert hadn't been to the store that often, Anne usually took care of the shopping, but on occasion he had come with her. The store wasn't actually that big and so finding the few things he wanted wasn't that hard.

"That'll be 3.50 Dr. Blythe." the sales clerk said with a smile.

"Huh, oh sure, sorry." Gilbert replied, pulling out the money and handing it to her, without ever looking up.

"Dr. Blythe, I'm real sorry for your loss." She continued.

Gilbert looked up at her with eyes that would make anyone's heart break. It looked like the man wanted to die right then and there.

"Thank you." Gilbert mumbled in reply, and quickly left the shop, intent on leaving town as quick as he could. Conversations with such happy people were really starting to wear on him, and he wasn't sure how much more he could take. Walking along the boardwalk in front of the stores in town, Gilbert glanced at the windows, not really looking, just more pretending to be interested in something. The boardwalk ended, and Gilbert realized that he had past the carriage without realizing and began to turn around, when suddenly something caught his eye. In the window of the last shop sat a pearl bracelet. Gilbert was immediately drawn back in time to when Anne had shown him the pearls that Matthew had bought for her. The bracelet looked like it would go perfectly with the necklace that Matthew had given her. He hadn't bought Anne anything recently, and this would go so nicely with those pearls, and her… wedding ring. Without even thinking too much about it, Gilbert walked into the store and bought the bracelet without so much as a second thought.

Gilbert walked out of the store, which fortunately had been empty except for him and the owner. He had a smile on his face, wondering what Anne's reaction to the gift would be. Arriving at the carriage Gilbert put all of the packages in the carriage and began climbing in, when suddenly he realized why he had even come to town in the first place; to get food because Anne was drowning in her own tears at home over the loss of their recently deceased daughter. How could he have bought something like that? How could he have forgotten Joy for just a second, he loved that child, he missed that child, the few precious moments that they had spent together had not been enough. And here he was smiling.

Gilbert wanted to kill himself. He shouldn't have left Anne at home alone; he should have gotten someone to bring food or something. But he was here now, and he had bought all of these things, the last one semi-unconsciously. Slowly pulling himself up unto the seat, he took the reins and started on his way home.

What a month ago would have been a happy sight, now made Gilbert's heart ache. The house looked the same, but what was waiting inside was anything but. Walking in, the house was just as he had left it, cold and unwelcoming. He quietly put the food away, and put the bracelet in the bottom of his desk. After this, he made his way up the stairs to his room. Opening the door he was surprised to see Anne awake and staring at him with eyes that seemed to ask the same questions that he asked himself. Why couldn't you save her? Why'd she die? Why does this hurt so much? Can I ever be happy again?

"Can I get you anything Anne?"

Silence.

"Please, you need to eat something?"

Silence.

"Anne, you're going to kil-"

"Kill myself! Do you realize how much I've wished that it was me down there instead of her?! Do you know how much I've asked God why he took her? Asked Him what it was that I did wrong! Why things turned out this way! You don't understand, you don't get anything, nobody does! How can this world continue to go on when my baby girl is cold in the ground, with nobody to comfort her, to hold her?!" Anne was getting into hysterics now.

"Anne, I do know, don't you realize how-"

"No! You don't know!"

"Please, let me finish-"

"There's nothing more for you to say, please just leave me alone!"

"But Anne! I-"

"Please, seeing you only hurts more."

Gilbert's heart shattered. Never in his life had anything hurt so badly. Not when Anne had rejected his first proposal, not when he was sure he had lost her forever, not when he almost died. Six words, and the light in his eyes went completely out. Six words, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. Six words, and he felt like there was no longer a reason for his existence in the world.

"Wait Gil, I didn't mean it…"

"No I get it Anne, its fine. I'll leave. If you need anything, I'll be downstairs."

"But…"

"Anne, there is no reason to strain yourself, you've been through quite a lot."

It was with that that Gilbert left the room closing the door, gently walking down the stairs, and into his office. With the door closed, Gilbert finally broke down. He'd been strong for so long, he could only take so much. It was unheard of for a grown man to cry; Gilbert sobbed. The tears kept coming, and endless flow. They trickled down in face, and fell atop the wooden desk, creating tiny pools. After a while he stopped, got up, and walked over to his shelf where he kept a bottle of whiskey. He'd never been much of a drinker, the taste had never grown on him, but at the moment all he wanted was an escape. He wanted to be drunk, he didn't want to think about anything at all, not Anne, not Joy, not anything. All he wanted was to forget.

Things didn't go quite as he had planned. He wasn't quite drunk, but he certainly was delusional. He got up from his desk, and made his way upstairs. Instead of turning towards his bedroom like he would have any other night, Gilbert headed towards what would have been his baby daughter's room. Everything inside looked ready for the baby: a rocking chair, a cradle, a blanket. The room would have been such a happy place, filled with love, laughter.

Gilbert sat in the rocking chair and fell asleep. Tomorrow he would go tell Uncle Dave that he would return to work. He'd taken off too long, and it was apparent that Anne didn't want him. Whether Anne wanted to eventually return to a normal lifestyle or not, he couldn't take off forever, they needed money, and he was the sole provider.

Sleeping in a rocking chair isn't the most comfortable, but Gilbert managed. He woke early, and managed to make it in and out of his room to get clothes without waking Anne. He walked downstairs and shaved in the kitchen. After cleaning up, he quickly scrawled out a note before walking out the door.

_My dearest Anne-girl,_

_I have decided it's time for me to return to work, money doesn't grow on trees. There is food in the cabinets, and if you need anything call Uncle Dave, he'll have the list of patients I'm visiting today. _

_Have a wonderful day,_

_ With Love,_

_ Gilbert_

Anne managed to get out of bed that day, and upon finding the note she sat down and cried. How could she have been so cruel, when all he ever did was try to help? The look in his eyes last night told her that she'd said the wrong thing, and probably hurt him more than she meant. It also gave her insight into how much he was hurting too, something that she'd been to selfish with her own grief to notice. Anne sat there contemplating on what she could do to make it up to Gil.

The door creaked open a few minutes later, and a Gilbert walked in. He took off his hat and put it on the rack before heading into the kitchen. When he looked up Anne was looking at him, and they made eye contact. No words were needed between the two kindred spirits, they both understood. Anne stood, and fell into Gil's arms.

"I'm sorry; I never meant to hurt you. I love you."

"It's ok, I'm just glad to have my Anne-girl back."

Anne smiled up at him, the light returning back to her eyes, slowly, but surely. It'd take a while for things to return to normal, but eventually the stars that once shown brightly in her eyes would return. Gilbert cried on Anne's shoulder after that, he'd been so stressed out. She could break his heart in a second, but she could also mend it, and make it stronger.

After a while, Gilbert walked into his office, opened the bottom drawer of his desk, and returned to Anne with a smile on his face.

"This is for you."

Well that's it. I hope you liked it! My best friend came up with the title, so I'm giving credit to her here. Please review, tell me if it's bad, good, or just eh… or even what I can do to fix it.

Thank you,

Tohru12 ^_^


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